Haters Gonna Read: 5 Reasons to Love Hating Twilight

It’s impossible to deny that Twilight is one of the biggest, most inexplicable extragavanzas to ambush the young adult fiction genre. It’s easy to understand why frustrated pre-teens are drooling over it, but what surprises me even more is how many people who absolutely HATE the book have ended up reading it.

I have never in my life heard the phrase “Yeah, it sounded really stupid, so I read three books of the series just to see how awful it is” before Twilight. Why? If you are a connoisseur of fine literature, go back to your Dickens. However, if you a snarky cynic who delights in the stupidity of others…Twilight is a gold mine.

  1. It’s a reverse dating guide. Twilight does a fantastic job of showcasing what NOT to do.  Do not enter your girlfriend’s bedroom and watch her sleep. Do not jump off a cliff when your boyfriend dumps you.  Don’t date someone who is not speaking metaphorically when he says he wants to eat you.  Never ever, ever form a relationship with your ex-girlfriend’s vampire baby.  It’s a fetus, dude! That’s beyond pedophilia. 
  2. Play the grammar game.  Are you a grammar Nazi? Do you love to spot writing and continuity errors? Twilight will keep you busy for four full-length manuscripts with as many mistakes as my preschool books (an indicator: in preschool, I did not actually know how to form actual sentences).
  3. You’ll get all the jokes. Once you have an inkling of the Twilight saga, join the not-so-secret society of Twilight haters, where the sparkle gags never end. 

    I'm Team Wilson, myself

  4. Pure schadenfreude. Bella is possibly one of the most irrationally miserable heroines in of literature, ever. It can be annoying to listen to her pine after pallid Edward, but it can also be hilarious.She does have one point that the haters can clue into: her sense of superiority. Bella waltzes through the book making people drool over her for no apparent reason as she has pretty much no social skills and no fucks to give about anyone except Edward. She sees everyone as below her and yet hordes of boys almost run her over in their SUVs to ask her to dances. Characters even acknowledge that she’s unworthy, but still flock to her. Is this beginning to sound like a certain pop culture phenomenon yet?

 Sorry…did that get too real?

5.  You’ll feel like a comparative genius. Between Bella’s brains (who enjoys taking long walks down dark alleys towards a group of thugs and forming relationships with things that want to eat her), Edward’s romance skills (because nothing turns me on like my crush breaking into my house to watch me sleep) and her father Charlie’s parenting skills (“Wait…I have a daughter?”), you’ll never feel as stupid as these characters act.

If you can’t stomach actually reading the books but don’t want to miss out, check out Alex Day Reads Twilight. It’s full of snark and British accents, so it can only go up from there.

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Posted on April 12, 2012, in Books, Hatercise and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Even though I did enjoy the twilight series, I have to agree with you! Especially with the ‘reverse dating guide’ point haha, I found the Jacob – fetus relationship beyond bizarre, since when was that normal/possible/socially acceptable!

  2. I think now whenever someone asks me why I continually force myself to suffer through the Twilight saga, I’m just going to direct them here.

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